riddle me this.

my musing for today:

Anxiety. I has it. (UGH)

It's something I was in denial about for a long time. I come from a long line of worriers and I know that being worried has a large part to do with preparation for whatever you're worried about and acceptance that whatever is going to happen will happen, end of story. I told myself I wasn't a worrier and tried to do those two things as much as possible. So why was I still short of breath when thinking about certain situations or tasks? Or unable to sleep half the night, sometimes with pain in my chest?

OH! Anxiety? I hear people get this too, but isn't that just a dysphemism for worry? Why, yes it is.

I try to rationalize my anxiety away, but in the end I think it's a control issue thing (did I mention I'm a control freak too?). So when there is a circumstance that I am well-prepared in all aspects, any unknown factor can still send me spiraling. It's terrible thing and I've resorted to medication to help me sleep on nights that I really, really need to get a good night's rest.

In the past year and a half or so I've also only just noticed that I can get this way over social situations too. Oh good, now social anxiety too! A new group of people, or seeing someone with whom I have negative history, or even just someone who's going that I'm not excited about hanging out with leaves me riddled with anxiety.

I was inspired to finally write this down because I'm coming down off an anxiety high right now (oh, these are not the fun kind). I canceled a date with the excuse in my mind of having too much else to do - which is actually a legitimate excuse at the moment - but honestly, the things I have to do could wait one more day. I even tried to rationalize how this could be useful to me, but I couldn't get over the unease I had with the situation.

Besides, last week I put myself in a social situation that caused me anxiety beforehand and still went, so forcing myself to go out on one such occasion per month is a good enough quota to fill, right?

I get it now

My musing for today:

Not everyone thinks like you do. Duh, right? So how come I've been incredibly frustrated trying to get certain individuals to understand what I'm on about or trying to convey. I'd venture to say I have a strong command over the English language, a proclivity for concise, accurate word choices, am able to come up with good metaphors, and yet, there are still miscommunications.

I get it now.

It doesn't matter how logical my argument is or how well I'm able to communicate it if we don't think the same way. I used to think this was a difference in priorities, but that's not always the case. Sometime, what occurs to me just doesn't even occur to someone else. They didn't actively place this thing lower on their priority list, it just didn't even occur to them to place it where you have it.

And by no means is this an easy thing to accept when YOU are the priority they neglect to place.

It's sobering. It's also difficult to re-train your mind to not place them at such a level that only serves to remain frustrating for you when not reciprocated. Don't get me wrong, this isn't re-training done out of spite, but you do have to protect your own peace of mind if constantly putting someone's feelings at a priority level that they don't reciprocate upsets you. If it doesn't bother you, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, good on you, and I genuinely wish I could be that way. Maybe one day.

For now though, I get it. Finally get it.

you know how I know you love me?

my musing for the day:

You know how I know you love me?

When unbidden, you offer to drop everything to be at my disposal. For the big things and the small. This never goes unnoticed or is ever forgotten by me.. I hope. Because the things I can't ask for that those actions provide, means more to me than I can ever express.

xoxo

words from yester year

my musing for today:

The Internet is the coolest place I know. No, seriously. And the advent of social media means finding cool stuff on the internet takes little effort on my part except to scroll by it. I was in awe looking at this post on Twisted Sifter about a time capsule chest from Oklahoma. 1913-2013. This wasn't something accidental or happened upon either. The chest was made intentionally and full of a variety of artifacts that gave an invaluable look at typical life in Oklahoma in 1913 - newspapers, books, clothing, food, paintings, pictures, and much much more. Many of the letters were addressed to the descendants of people who lived at that time. How wild! To one day receive word that your great, great, great grandparents wrote to you! My favorite part of this project is the message to the future that was included in the newspaper of the day they sealed the time capsule. Imagine, everyone who read the message in the newspaper that day and all the thousands more people who will read it online today saw these words, absorbed their meaning, and have successfully communicated through a century. Just awesome. It reads,

Spirit of 1913 Greets the Year 2013

Written especially for the Century Chest

(April 22, 2013)

Well, well, and is this you 2013? Here are we, the spirit of 1913, your many time great-grand parent. 

We were slain by New Year and buried in the garden of Once Upon a Time. Yet, through all these years have we lived, for out of the dust of us have grown the trees under whose shades the young have snuggled close in Cupid's arms; the old have dreamed of yester-whiles. The fragrant magnolia and the lily pure and white and fair to see- all have taken root within our heart. And we have wondered at the beauty, moulded by the Craftsman who alone is perfect in His craftsmanship. 

How aged & infirm we feel as we number bairns that have sprung from our loins; yet how immature were we on that December night so long ago, when the big clock struck and toddling steps were at their journey end. 

Of all the masters that the world has known, Time alone, our master, is unchanged. In rain, in sun, in wind, and torrid heat, he journeys on his feet unfettered and his trudge unbound.

We the spirit of another year, whose breasts have suckled many souls, greet you today and offer this balm for weary hearts. On earth, in Heaven, in hell, there's no decay save that which turns the goodly to the things of ill. The brave, the true, the Lordly, the right live on. The pressure of a hand, the smile, the word of cheer, when we have gone, give comfort to the stricken of another year. 

Year 2013, how's our town? Did that man get the dollar that he sought and if he got it were all the things he bought worth all the care lines and the frown that gathered? Was his heart as big, his laugh as great - or did he crumble 'neath the touch of fate and yearn to turn aback the hands of time?

 

counting down

my musing for today:

I'm counting down the days. Two years ago I was counting down the days until my graduation from graduate school, the subsequent celebratory cruise, and my departure to my new life in Japan. Now I'm counting down the days until our next hello and goodbye, my last travels in Asia, and my return home to another new life.

How ponderous a feeling to anticipate and dread something at the same time...

be my person

my musing for today:

I've been watching Grey's Anatomy for what seems like forever. I've been on board since the second season and we're up to season 9 now. Early on it was established that the title character, Meredith Grey and her best friend Christina Yang are each others 'person.' I don't know if labeling someone as your 'person' was a thing before GA, but it definitely is now. Of course people had 'persons', but did they think of them in those terms? Anyways, I read an article detailing what makes someone your 'person' and I liked some of their points. It's that person you can say anything to, do anything with, would do anything for, and under no circumstance would you ever not be in each others lives permanently.Are you starting to think about your person? If you even have a person that fits that description?

But an interesting thing happened a few seasons ago. Once these two besties were certain they had found their significant others (SO), being each others person became a bit of a touchy subject. The SO in these relationships needed to feel like the besties were their person and vice versa, but the besties already had a person -each other! I guess it would defeat the purpose of having a person if you were going to allow a few people to be your person and so they each had moments when they realized their SO had become their person. Is there pressure for your SO to automatically be your person? I guess this would be all be easier if you just called people what they are - best friend, boyfriend, cousin, whatever it is - but I've come to appreciate the roles people have in your life and I like the idea of there being 'that person.' For most people going to be your SO, but if it's not, I think that's okay too.

In another show I love, Sex and the City, Carrie Bradshaw calls her three best friends her 'soul mates.' They are people in her life who have transcended the levels of friends, family, and lovers. They could arguably be called her 'persons' as well, but a) the word implies that there is only one which is kind of what I was hinting at above and b) also going along with my earlier thought, being someone's person might not have been the way to term this kind of relationship before GA came along. Personally, I don't consider a person who you are not romantically involved with to be your soul mate, but maybe I just need to expand my horizons a bit more. Or maybe, SATC would have worded it differently if they had the term to begin with..

Your person, your best friend, your soul mate. Based on how you define these things or want to define these things, you can either have one of each or one for all.

emotional cheating is cheating. period.

my musing for today:

I came across the excerpt below while reading this article about the 10 essentials for any good relationship.

"5. An understanding that cheating can be emotional as well as physical.

Spoiler alert: You don’t actually have to touch genitals to have cheated on someone and/or betrayed their trust. If you are having deep, personal, romantic conversations with someone behind your partner’s back, if you are still harboring feelings for someone else, if you are seriously considering other possibilities while still completely attached to your current flame — you are being an asshole and should stop it. It’s insane how many people don’t acknowledge the myriad ways that someone can be cheated on that don’t actually involve sex. Do you really think that your partner finding out that you’ve been exchanging passionate emails with an ex is going to be that much less destructive than having slept with someone else? I mean, in many cases, knowing that there were actual feelings involved make it all the worse, as it can’t just be brushed off as a drunken mistake. Let’s at least provide each other the decency of breaking up with our partners before engaging in Nicholas Sparks-esque gchats with the cute girl from work."


I've known this for years. I really thought it was common sense until an idiot I knew told her boyfriend that she hadn't actually cheated on him when she did exactly this to him. How do I know? Because she did it with my boyfriend. And to this day she shouts from the corners of social media how 'un-sorry' she is for the emotional beating she gave everyone involved (real mature, right?). I scoff at the notion that she thinks she has a good relationship with this guy she cheated on when she won't even acknowledge it as such. You can recover from this kind of damage to a relationship but only if you first acknowledge what actually happened. If not, all the rebuilding of trust and intimacy is built on hollow ground and is basically a farce. And like this excerpt states, emotional cheating is even harder to come back from, so she is woefully wrong to think how solid and good her relationship is. Given her grand state of self delusion though, she will probably live out her life this way no problem, which means the real person who should realize this and get out is the boyfriend she cheated on.

In the end, this wasn't a musing of mine so much as a rant, but what I am musing about is that everyone should accept that emotional cheating is just as real as physical cheating is. Then, like the excerpt says, have the decency of breaking up with current partners first. In my experience, neither cheating party was decent enough to do this, but what makes her so detestable as a person still is:
She never acknowledged that it was cheating
She spread false rumors about me afterwards
She tried to turn mutual friends against me
She hasn't gained the slightest bit of maturity enough to be sorry and take responsibility for her actions which is why years later I still have to hear about how 'not sorry' she is.

So if I'm going to properly muse, there can be life in a relationship after cheating. People who cheat are not condemned for life IF they can acknowledge what they did and be truly sorry for it. We all make mistakes, but it's how you handle those mistakes that show who you are as a person. At the very least, if you're maturing and growing as a person (which tends to happens after 5 freakin years), you should be able to look back at things as see them more clearly, more objectively, more honestly. The only person you have to be better than is the person you were yesterday. The sooner you start this process the better, so be an adult and mature already.

on my own

my musing for today:

Today is a day a firsts. I didn't get into it on social media but that's what this is for, right? Today is the first day of my last semester as a teacher in Japan. I am elated. I've known for a long time that teaching is not my calling, but living in Japan was way to fun a ride too get off after one spin. However, seeing too many new faces is always an indicator that my time at a place is coming to an end (not because I'm forced to leave, but because it's when I feel I should). Japan makes a sport out having new faces around with the teacher-swapping they do every April, and having lost my favorite JTE to a nearby high school, I can't wait to make my exit too.

Another first is living on my own starting today. Huh? You thought I already was on my own? Well, of course that can and has meant up until this point that I'm out from under my parent's wings. As independent as we feel in our early twenties, moving out of your parent's house is when you truly become independent. Since moving to Japan, I've been living with my boyfriend and we made our house into a home complete with a faux child in the form of a rabbit, but now it's just me and the bunny. It's been nerve-wracking to think about for sure, but I think in time, I'll come to like aspects of living completely alone that I haven't been able to learn thus so far.

Something I've gained over the years the ability to recognize when God is preparing me for something bigger, something better, or just something else. When I was just a bit younger I really couldn't see the pattern and any changes in my life were very hard on me. Now, as I see the pattern, I don't have to like it but I mentally prepare for it and handle it better.. on my own.

where is the logic?

my musing for today:

I have an adorable mini rabbit that I bought very soon after arriving in Japan. I have brought him up since he was able to fit in the palm of my hand at only a month old. I make sure he has a proper bunny diet, plenty of room to run around, enough fresh air and sunshine, and of course, too much attention from me. I've always made sure he has the best care taker available when I've gone on trips. I have left the light and heat on for him when I'm not home so he doesn't get cold or feel scared. I haven't throttled him for destroying the tatami in one of my rooms, but just covered it up and will deal with the consequences later on. I paid to have him neutered to regulate his hormones and increase his lifespan.

And now I'm willing to pay the ridiculous fees associated with trying to take an animal on board a plane so that, like a responsible pet owner, I don't just dump him because it's inconvenient to take him back to my home country. But what's that? I have to jump through 5 million hoops to do this? And I have to sign a waiver saying the airline is not responsible if he dies in transit, yet they won't let me take every measure possible to prevent this, including having him with me in the cabin?

I seriously don't get it. You can talk to me about sensitivity to allergies people may have, the limits necessary on taking certain animals on a plane, blah blah blah, but I ask, where is the logic?

Instead of sweeping regulations that cause unbelievable stress on both the owners and animals in the end, just take things on a case-to-case basis. My boyfriend was trying to say that they just have these sweeping regulations because of how infrequent animals need to fly, but to me that's exactly the point; Usually animals classified as pets need to be flown so infrequently that the conditions surrounding their need to fly should be evaluated and permitted on more logical grounds.

My example that I ranted on my facebook status upset a friend, but I could care less. I said that if a screaming child under the age of 2 or whatever it is can fly FOR FREE and disturb other passengers, then logically, my small, quiet rabbit should be allowed to be with me in a carry on size bag under my seat. Allowing this for free makes sense to me (since I'm giving up a carry on bag to bring him on), but in the end I don't even care if they charge me the extra $150 and say that I can't take him out of the carrier (because, duh). I'd rather have him with me so I can monitor him and comfort him with my presence.

Instead I'm facing airlines that either a) don't allow rabbits period. No reason, just arbitrarily say no to them. b) will only fly him as cargo with an extra fee c) will allow them in the cabin if no other passenger has an animal. Also for an extra fee. d) Quarantines them and requires health certificates that need to be officially translated into the language of every destination the animal will arrive at. (understandable, but what a b-itch of a task).

So: a) I have to leave him behind because you say so? Um, no. b) a small, genetically disposed nervous creature is forced to fly alone on a airplane in the freezing cargo space because you say so? NO. That's the surest way of killing him. c and d) the extra fees and hoops suck, but oh wait, I'm flying across the world (in my case) so not all of my connecting flights allow option c.

Like I said, my stress levels are high when, if logic prevailed, airlines would reward responsible pet owners who are planning on keeping, not abandoning their pets, and give them every option available to make a journey with an animal as stress-free as possible for both the human and animal's sake.

Sigh..If only logic prevailed in this world..
It's like the saying goes, "common sense is not all that common."

a mild state of dissociation

my musing for today:

The title is the definition of compartmentalization. Why didn't I just us that then? Because I wasn't expecting that to come up when I verified my use of the word (I often do this to avoid that awful moment when you've misused a word and someone equally as awful points it out. eek!). I was more anticipating this definition (which is that of compartmentalize): to divide into sections or categories.

As it happens, I prefer the former definition to go along with my musing for today. A mild state of dissociation [being disconnected].

My efforts to be connected to the world around me, to those in far away places, to what's popular among my peers often comes about in the form of connecting to social media. Yes, I do talk to people in person as well, but when all that's familiar to me is thousands of miles away, I can more easily do this via social media each of which I use for specific purposes. But living so far away has left me in a state of compartmentalization. I am in some way constantly disconnected. So my musing (and thus the expectation of the second definition), is because despite my efforts to connect via my compartmentalized social media sites, I still consistently experience this mild state of dissociation.

It doesn't burden me. I've just noticed it. It's sometimes nice to be so far removed from all that is familiar. I already know that I'll miss being able to live in a dissociated state, blissfully ignorant of some matters and lost in the unfamiliar.

my blessing and my curse

my musing for today: 

For quite some time I've been acutely aware of my sixth sense. Because of my gender it could be referred to as woman's intuition and I guess I'm okay with that too. My experiences with it so far have ranged from having an impending sense of doom to specifically not liking a situation when I encounter it for no apparent reason.

The first time I can really remember this happening was at volleyball camp between my junior and senior year of high school. I'm good at volleyball. Not professional level, but I was good and certainly one of the best on my team. The last few days at camp, I couldn't even bump the ball. My coach took me out of the rotation and we were both dumbfounded at what was wrong with me. After I returned home from camp, I found out my family hadn't wanted to spoil my time at camp by telling me that my beloved grandfather had died that on the day I started playing terribly.

The next time I clearly had a bad feeling about a person. It was within a group of friends and at the time, I only tried to get the person closest to me away from that person, but he didn't buy my 'having a feeling.' I felt forced to ignore the feeling since we were all in a a group of friends. Big mistake. Bad people can't hide their true colors forever, so when I was proven right the situation was just terrible for everyone involved, but especially me.

It's happened on smaller scales as well. I can also get the feeling but have it go away. Today, I sat I my desk shifting uncomfortably with the impending sense of doom feeling when a friend texted me to see how work was going. I was honest and within the span of our conversation, the reason behind the feeling revealed itself. The reason is more like another potentially bad situation, but it's too soon to tell if it will end in the worse way possible. We'll see.

Sorry to be so cryptic in this post and not reveal all the juicy details of these stories. My policy has always been that those who need know the details, will. This musing is more about my strong intuition and how I've learned to recognize it as a defense mechanism. That's why it is my blessing and my curse.

die doing what you love or live doing the mundane?

my musing for today:

I felt a moment of swelling emotions as I read this article today on MSN about a young couple who died during their journey to cycle around the world. They were both struck and killed by a truck while biking through Thailand. The tragic circumstances of this situation isn't what got to me; the reactions of their loved ones did. They were quoted as saying things along the lines of 'they died doing what they loved' and 'they didn't just talk about doing this, they did it.' Is it morbid to think that I love this attitude and would hope to have that said about me?

I feel like if it were my family - passionate and crazy as they are - they would probably be inclined to be upset that I had put myself in danger in the first place, essentially robbing them of my presence in their lives (sounds selfish of them I know, but they do love me so). These people left behind though immediately recognized that although this couple was in their early 30's and still had their whole lives ahead of them, they lived and died passionately in pursuit of their dream. How could they be upset with that?

This leads me to the title of this post. Someone in the comments actually said they'd rather be alive and pushing paperwork at some desk than to die, even if it was doing something they love. As soon as read this, I involuntarily leaned back a bit and shook my head as my brain was processing this information and vehemently rejecting it.

Maybe it sounds selfish of me and would be interpreted by my family as such (like I mused). However, I often check myself to make sure I'm really living and not merely existing. I want to be pursuing dreams and having amazing experiences that enrich my life. If I died in pursuit of this (knock on wood), then I'd hope to be remembered that way. 

R.I.P. to these young and passionate people. You are being remembered for the incredible life you lead and not for your untimely demise.

a serendipitous occurence

my musing for today:

I was discussing future plans with a friend today and revealed how serendipitous the timing of my return home in August will be. I mean, I don't want to get ahead of myself, but so far I've received news of three other friends moving back to Miami around the same time that I am. Three friends who have been living their separate lives in separate places, all of whom I am close with and will definitely be seeing much of if they're in town.
How does that just happen?!
I know I'll be dealing with the stress and emotions involved with reverse culture shock, so although I like to call this serendipitous, I know it's a little help from above to help me fill the voids that will be missing from my life.
It's funny.. usually with these kind of things, I can only see their purpose looking back; It's strange to think I'm connecting the dots looking forward. Strange and comforting.