riddle me this.

my musing for today:

Anxiety. I has it. (UGH)

It's something I was in denial about for a long time. I come from a long line of worriers and I know that being worried has a large part to do with preparation for whatever you're worried about and acceptance that whatever is going to happen will happen, end of story. I told myself I wasn't a worrier and tried to do those two things as much as possible. So why was I still short of breath when thinking about certain situations or tasks? Or unable to sleep half the night, sometimes with pain in my chest?

OH! Anxiety? I hear people get this too, but isn't that just a dysphemism for worry? Why, yes it is.

I try to rationalize my anxiety away, but in the end I think it's a control issue thing (did I mention I'm a control freak too?). So when there is a circumstance that I am well-prepared in all aspects, any unknown factor can still send me spiraling. It's terrible thing and I've resorted to medication to help me sleep on nights that I really, really need to get a good night's rest.

In the past year and a half or so I've also only just noticed that I can get this way over social situations too. Oh good, now social anxiety too! A new group of people, or seeing someone with whom I have negative history, or even just someone who's going that I'm not excited about hanging out with leaves me riddled with anxiety.

I was inspired to finally write this down because I'm coming down off an anxiety high right now (oh, these are not the fun kind). I canceled a date with the excuse in my mind of having too much else to do - which is actually a legitimate excuse at the moment - but honestly, the things I have to do could wait one more day. I even tried to rationalize how this could be useful to me, but I couldn't get over the unease I had with the situation.

Besides, last week I put myself in a social situation that caused me anxiety beforehand and still went, so forcing myself to go out on one such occasion per month is a good enough quota to fill, right?